Iceberg, Dead Ahead

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Hello, friends.

This week on your favorite kitchen supernatural show, we are eating lettuce.

Surprise.

I know what you’re thinking: “Lettuce is a vegetable, and we all know what Bourdain thought of vegetables in general.” So I asked him.

“Vegetarians, not vegetables,” he corrected. Then he reminded me of a Chicago Tribune interview where he got into an absurd little iceberg lovefest with Jeff Mauro. Both of them were downright silly over it. You can judge for yourself:

And since I’ve now ruined the suspense…

This week’s recipe is Iceberg Wedge with Pancetta and Stilton (Appetites, p. 31).

And—because I can’t leave well enough alone—

I added a Big Fucking Steak (Appetites, p. 206).
(Hi, Mom and Dad. Sorry about the cuss word. Love ya!)

Salads That Don’t Count as “Healthy”

You know the kind of salad you eat to lose weight, hit your five-a-day, and feel smug about your fiber intake?

This isn’t that kind of salad.

This wedge reminds me of the Italian Salad from one of my all-time favorite restaurants—Canella’s in Salt Lake City. Four doors down from my old office, and I’d eaten my way through the whole menu. But my heart belonged to that salad: iceberg lettuce, warm Italian sausage, mozzarella just starting to melt, whole pepperoncinis, and an ungodly amount of blue cheese dressing swirled with Italian dressing. Paired with garlic bread, it could cure any workday catastrophe.

Our wedge is that salad’s first cousin: stinky blue cheese, pancetta fried into salty cubes, deep-fried shallots, and a dressing so thick with cheese it could spackle walls. Plus parsley—for extra green.

Ingredient Upgrades (a.k.a. Don’t Buy the Sad Versions)

• Blue cheese: I swapped in gorgonzola, courtesy of generous neighbors. Stilton speaks English; gorgonzola speaks Italian. Both work—just don’t buy pre-crumbled. Flavorless garbage.

• Pancetta: Skip the pre-chopped package. Go to the deli and ask for ½-inch slices, then cube them yourself. The taste and texture difference is worth it.

• Shallots: There’s a typo in Appetites. The recipe says to fry for 12–13 minutes. In reality? Try one to two minutes. My first batch went from pale to black while I turned around to get the scale. Round two, I watched like a hawk.

Wedge Wisdom

• Pick the lightest head of iceberg, not the heaviest. Fewer servings, but better pockets for dressing.

• Dab a spoonful of dressing under the wedge on the plate—it keeps the lettuce from sliding around.

• Optional but glorious: a drizzle of balsamic glaze for tang. The ghost’s opinion is “meh,” but he ate it anyway.

The BF Steak

There’s been a vacuum-sealed wagyu in my fridge for two weeks, somehow still perfect. Time to liberate it.

Appetites gives “guidelines” more than a recipe: heavy pan, hot oil, salt and pepper. I added rosemary and butter—carefully laying it in to avoid oil shrapnel—and basted until it hit temp.

Important Ghost Tip: Rest your steak at least 5 minutes before slicing against the grain.

While it rested, I deglazed the pan with wine, added butter, and reduced to a glossy sauce.

We ate like people who have never once thought about their cholesterol.

Next week, I’m torn between Osso Buco (with beef oxtail, because finding veal is harder than hen’s teeth) and Braised Pork Shoulder with Fried Shallots and Pickled Vegetables. Feeling ready for a long, slow braise.

In reverence and rebellion,
Michelle

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