Put Up or Clam Up

In partnership with

The other day, I found myself wishing—desperately—that Hungry Ghosts had more recipes. The stories are spooky, the vibe unsettling…and with the parade of broken things in my house lately, I can’t help but wonder about my own hungry ghost.

I eye him as he leans his long body against the counter, one hand hovering over the coffee can like he’s testing out telekinesis. “If you can make that work, I’ve got a whole list of things that need attention,” I tell him. He pulls a face.

“At least check for a boggart or a goblin, will you?” Because clearly something’s off. Case in point: yesterday my computer greeted me with the dreaded BSOD—not the Blue Screen of Death (that’s usually just data carnage), but the Black Screen of Death. Error 1692: No operating system found. I grimaced, swigged my coffee, and let fly some salty morning poetry.

Fortunately, I still have some dusty old BIOS skills left from my tinkering days. A quick restore, and the machine booted fine. But I took it as a sign. An omen.

All this chaos has thrown me off my rhythm. Normally, by Thursday, the ghost and I have picked a recipe, shopped, cooked, and are already writing. Instead, I was still dithering. What sounded good? Comfort food. Cream of Tomato Soup. Grilled Cheese with Caramelized Onion. Mortadella and Cheese. Budae Jjigae.

“You could riff on the Mortadella,” he offered. “The one with yellow mustard and sweet pickles. What do you call it?” “The Bourd-ano,” I said (Bourdain x Cubano). I shrugged. Maybe.

The Daily Newsletter for Intellectually Curious Readers

Join over 4 million Americans who start their day with 1440 – your daily digest for unbiased, fact-centric news. From politics to sports, we cover it all by analyzing over 100 sources. Our concise, 5-minute read lands in your inbox each morning at no cost. Experience news without the noise; let 1440 help you make up your own mind. Sign up now and invite your friends and family to be part of the informed.

Join for free today!

Then the sky clouded over. Blessed clouds. That means soup.

Hot Borscht? Not today. Portuguese Kale? No time to track down the sausage. Clam Chowder? Perfect.

Small problem: I live in a land-locked desert. At the seafood counter, I found exactly thirteen large clams snoozing on ice. I needed eight dozen. The frozen section came through—vacuum-sealed bags, approximately twenty-four clams each, five bucks a pop. Sold.

Back home, I realized they were pre-cooked. Fine. A little water, a quick steam, and they popped open—plump and ready. All but one. Did we pry him open and toss him in? We did not.

From there it was simple: dice bacon (measured with my heart), two onions, and three potatoes. Sauté bacon and then onions until translucent, then add potatoes and water. Simmer till tender. Add the clams and their liquor. 🍸🥴 Then milk and cream—mine came from my stash of frozen cream cubes. Half an hour, start to finish.

The recipe insists on Pilot crackers. According to the ghost, they’re magical little nuggets. According to the internet, they’re hardtack. Sailor rations. Long gone from grocery shelves since Nabisco stopped making them. We settled for oyster crackers—so named presumably because they’re served with oyster stew and they “resemble oysters.”

Sometimes cooking the ghost’s recipes feels like a sacred quest for Unobtainium. Usually, I’m up for it, scouring specialty shops and internet corners. But lately? With holes still gaping in my ceiling, drywall dust in my future, and patience running thin? Not so much.

So, anyway, I made the chowder. We ate the chowder. With oyster crackers. And it was delicious. You might even say we were as happy as clams.

As for next week’s menu? Maybe purée of Sherwin-Williams Westhighland White with flaked sheetrock, garnished with dollops of drywall mud. Or maybe something simpler—Spaghetti with Garlic, Tiny Fish (shhh, don’t say the A-word), and Parsley. Or even Chicken Pot Pie.

Tune in next week to find out.

This post may contain Amazon affiliate links. If you click through and make a purchase, I may earn a small commission at no extra cost to you. Thanks for helping keep the ghost fed (and my pantry stocked).